My Memorial

“So these stones shall become a memorial to the sons of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4:7, NASB)

In this passage, the children of Israel have just crossed over the Jordan River’s dry bed as the priests held the Ark of the Covenant in the midst of the river’s passageway. Twelve men had been called back to pick up twelve stones from the channel; upon Joshua’s instructions, a memorial was erected. Literally, it was a huge pile of rocks. This marker would stir to remembrance not only the mighty acts and mercy Yahweh had extended, but also Israel’s obligation to Him. We, in our twenty-first century Western viewpoint, question the relevance of a rock pile, but to the people of the Middle East, this was – and many times is – a time honored method of commemorating events.

In looking through a friend’s pictures yesterday, I kept thinking the location seemed familiar. I knew this river; I knew the rocks this friend was photographed on. I knew I had spent a great deal of time in this area, but just couldn’t place it. After all, I’ve hung out at one or two rivers. Finally, a picture of a building popped up and I knew right away where this was! From the ages of around ten to eighteen, I spent weeks of camp, overnight retreats, and grounds maintenance here. Now known as Gasper River Retreat Center, it is my spiritual birthplace. Despite the passing of years, I still recall the location and moment I accepted Christ as my Savior. On a side note, the location, years earlier, was the place I may have turned a high pressure water hose on a particularly annoying campmate as he exited the shower room.

Just as the Israelites constructed cairns, or huge piles of stones, to remember an event, this porch corner was to me a landmark. Looking back over the last fifteen years, I found many areas I’m not happy with. Despite having graduated Baptist Bible College, I’m not serving a church in a full-time capacity. It isn’t that I’m not open to that avenue; I’ve made many contacts, met several pastors, etc. It’s more that God hasn’t chosen to lead me down that road just yet. Not a day goes by that I don’t have to remind myself of that. I figure I’ve still got some things He wants me to learn first – like a better understanding of His faithfulness.

Recently, I traveled a journey I never saw myself taking. Put in a position of questioning my faith, I had to determine what I believed. For this I couldn’t read academic articles, books, or even Scripture; I had done that. I knew the subject and had once believed it. I had to decide if I would believe it again or renounce what I had once held dear and risk losing not just the remnants of my faith, but my family as well. No pastor, teacher, friend, not even my wife could help guide me; all anyone could do was stand by and watch as I spiraled downward. At one point, I was beginning to think believers questioning their faith had to be the most miserable group around. There was no light, no glimmer of hope… just the sinking emptiness of fear and primal panic I felt as a small child separated from my parents in a large department store on Christmas Eve.

At the depths of my despair, a man I had attended church with for years, but only spoke to for the first time a few months earlier, was used by God to send a text, “If you need to talk, call me.” As I read Jeremy’s words, my heart recalled Joshua 3:4, “…that you may know the way by which you shall go, for you have not passed this way before.” While an instant renewal didn’t occur, it was a watershed moment in my struggle. Just as the prodigal son coming to his senses in the hog pen, I began to realize what I was about to squander.

It’s been several months now, and, while the circumstances leading to my crisis of faith remain nearly the same, my attitude is different. I recognize this storm as but merely a passing one. I daily give praise for the great blessings God has chosen to bestow on me; the greatest one – outside of salvation – is the loving wife I lay beside each night. Old hymns and new praise songs are seldom far from my lips. Have I done this? No. The Jehovah who showed Himself faithful to Abraham, Moses, John, and countless billions never failed me though I doubted Him. Someday soon I have to go back to my memorial on Jackson Bridge Road.

“Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.” (James 1:17)

When I am Afraid

As I sat at my computer just a few moments ago, I began to think about life and all that’s occurred recently. Events include the fall of a man I thought highly of, friends learning an initial diagnosis of cancer, my seemingly endless search for work, and now, an appointment tomorrow to have some health concerns checked out. You’ve been there – many of you are there now. No one likes the loss of a friend, no one enjoys hearing about illness, very few people enjoy being out of paying work, and I venture to say no one enjoys seeing a doctor. As I thought on these things I began to freak out. Having only one real option, I began to pray.

In asking God for a calming peace, I was reminded of a verse I haven’t thought of in quite a long time – Psalm 56:3. David writes, “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.” (KJV); I appreciate the NASB’s, “When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.”

Charles Spurgeon, in his work The Treasury of David, expresses his view that because man is sinful, we are prone to fear. Our intellect forbids us from ignorant recklessness but the complexity of our mind allows for the simultaneous existence of both fear and faith. Spurgeon continues, “To trust when there is no cause for fear, is but the name of faith, but to be reliant upon God when occasions for alarm are abundant and pressing, is the conquering faith of God’s elect.” (Spurgeon, n.d.)

While the circumstances and events of life may momentarily shake our faith, we will stand fast in God’s faithfulness and strength. Staying close to Him allows us to sing praises in the midst of trial and, through those praises, encourage our brothers and sisters in their time of need. Am I concerned about the future? Of course I am. However, the same Yahweh who knew me before I was formed in the womb knows what the future holds. I’ll let Him handle what’s to come.

A Not so Gentle Reminder

While driving yesterday morning, my daughter and I were engaged in conversation; as she’s three years old, most of my mind was focused on things other than our discussion. Chloe asked to hear the “Hoo Hoo Song.” For those of you who don’t speak Toddler, she wanted Sugarland’s All I Wanna Do.  I reminded her that the CD was in the car and we were in the truck; to myself, I made a note to rip and sync the song to my phone’s playlist for future access. Trying to mitigate her disappointment, I turned the radio on. You can guess what was coming over the airwaves less than thirty seconds later! I know millions of people experience the same thing daily, but this particular instance was used by God to rebuke my heart.

A passage in Luke 12 immediately came to mind. Jesus is speaking to His disciples and refers to ravens which are fed by God; He continues on to speak of the lilies in the field. Not even Solomon – the wisest king of Israel – was dressed or provided for as they. Christ goes on to pronounce his listeners as those of little faith (Luke 12:22-28, NAS). I was further reminded of Christ’s words regarding a father’s love in Matthew 7.

I don’t know where this road my family’s on will end, but this one thing I know. The same God who proved Himself Jehovah-Rapha to my family just a few years ago is the same God who showed Himself to be Jehovah Jireh to Abraham on a mountain in Moriah and to me over the last few months. I look forward to seeing His provision in the future.